Readers of this blog will probably be familiar with South African Aids activist Clive Harvey Fox; he’s guest-posted here before, on the occasion of World Aids Day. His inspirational words were clearly appreciated by a few followers who commented on the post.
Initially, I hesitated to post Clive’s recent gift to us (below); mainly because the sociology of loss and mourning differs across many cultures … some consider it the definitive end, while others as transitioning to another state of consciousness, to the collective universe, and I didn’t want to alienate any of this blog’s readers. In the end, I think Clive’s post below conveys a delicate balance between both.
TRANSCENDING LOSS TO CREATE HAPPY HOLIDAYS
by Clive Harvey Fox
One of the most extreme changes we ever have to experience is the death of someone close to us. Members of family, work colleagues and our close coterie of friends all create the human framework of our lives. When an important constituent of this relationship network dies, life can never be the same again! This event forces change in the most dramatic way, especially if it is sudden and unexpected.
The initial shock of someone having died often cushions the blow of this event for a short while. This is nature’s way of providing a coping mechanism to get through the initial trauma of such a radical event. As time goes by, so an adjustment process gradually sets in as the bereaved party starts to come to terms with their grief.
The important annual festivals such as Christmas and birthdays always remind us of those we love. These social conventions take us right to the heart of our need to interact and forcibly remind us of our dependence and interdependence on those closest to us. “No man is an island” and we all relate to life through the experience of living with others. Once again the annual holiday season is upon us, which frequently reminds us of our association with family and close friends. This special holiday time is often the breeding ground of great sorrow for those who miss their loved ones who have died. Such a reaction is normal because it conjures memories of happy times past and is particularly acute with those who have been left lonely because of the passing of those dear to them.
Change in whatever format is never easy, but this is the basic melody of life that we need to embrace in order to live happy and contented lives. How many people who have lost those especially close to them shut down and give up on life because they are unwilling to make the necessary changes that life is demanding of them? They allow themselves to drift into an endless melancholy without ever imagining that life can be good again if they just made the effort to live fully in the present rather than dwelling in the past.
Bereavement is not so much a sadness for the person who has died, but rather a state of intense self-pity at having been left to deal with life on one’s own. Being alone is always a choice and a reflection of the inner landscape of our minds. In that state of self-pity we tend to isolate without reaching out to the world with a smile on our face. Furthermore, there is nothing more draining for others than someone who steadfastly dwells in misery and who stubbornly refuses to see the good in anything.
For those who have died, struggle, pain and torment are past. They have moved beyond the constriction of physical life as we know it. Those who have studied the progression of souls often encourage us to let go of those who have died to free up their spirits, rather than keeping them “hostage” to the guilt of having left us behind. Whilst it would be difficult to be happy that someone had passed over, we need to be encouraged that their existence is maybe considerably better than anything experienced before death.
In all honesty, our sadness at the loss of a loved one is more about us than about them! Grief is real and important but where it becomes the drama of an ongoing life, it is destructive, self-absorbed and misses the essence of the change we are invited to embrace. Change is always about growth and the very purpose of life is to grow. The scenery of our life is in perpetual change, constantly inviting us to move with the times and to grow through that experience.
This holiday season, as we move into another new year, let’s give ourselves the gift of making the most out of what we already have in the present, rather than living sorrowfully in the past. Let’s emancipate all our loved ones who have gone before us and make life a joy for those we still encounter. May the present be a gift as its name suggests! In every situation we have the choice to be happy or sad and the effort required for both is the same. Let’s make these “happy holidays” and be an encouragement to all by the light that we shine into a darkened world!
To learn more about Clive, you can visit his indigo-man website by clicking here. To receive Clive’s daily “indigo man” inspirations via Facebook account, click here.
